


Pines Brawl

by redwoodroots



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Abject humiliation included, But they're old men so it doesn't last long, FIGHT FIGH FIGHT, Farts, Hilarious, Mabel cheers them on, Punching, Sibling fight, Soos makes popcorn, Stan and Ford have a fight, They shout insults, Wendy and Dipper phone it, You're Welcome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-31
Updated: 2018-07-31
Packaged: 2019-06-19 14:34:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15511956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redwoodroots/pseuds/redwoodroots
Summary: Stan and Ford are fighting.  It's hilarious.





	Pines Brawl

**Author's Note:**

> Other authors to this work include: ProviderofGuardians, LuckyMiku64, Donut, Krisu 
> 
> Grab your popcorn, folks, because at five – no, fifty – bucks a minute, you get to about read old men fighting each other! TO THE DEATH! (Or to abject humiliation. Either one's good.)

Mabel was sitting on the floor of the living room with Soos, knitting a sweater for the totem pole. Wendy was sitting sideways on the couch drawing mustaches in Stan's _Gold Chains for Old Men Magazine._

Suddenly a faint, girlish, high-pitched noise reached Mabel's ears. 

Soos stuck a finger in his ear and rotated. “Did you hear that? I think I just heard a tea kettle whistle the Star Deck theme song.” 

“No, that's just Dipper,” Mabel told him. “That's the noise he makes when he's being an anxious nugget. Watch, he's gonna burst through the door in three, two, one –”

“MABEL!” Dipper shouted, bursting through the door. 

She leaped to her feet. “YES! Right on cue!” 

“No!” Dipper panted. “Guys – Grunkle Stan and Grunkle Ford are fighting each other on the front lawn _right now!_ ” 

“And I'm missing it?!” Wendy jumped to her feet and dashed out the door, the others right behind her. 

They made it to the porch just in time to see Stan deck Ford in the jaw. Ford stumbled back and landed on his butt with a thump. 

“Grunkle Stan!” Dipper and Mabel yelped. 

Stan looked up. “What? He hit me first! Besides, if a sibling hits you, you get to hit back twice as hard! It's karma!” 

“GOOD TO KNOW!” 

Ford shot to his feet and shoved Stan back. 

“HEY!” 

Stan dove forward, aiming for Ford's knees, but Ford spun and put him in a headlock – on the right side where Stan had a bad reach. 

“That all you got?” Stan gasped. 

Dipper yelped. “Great-Uncle Ford, what are you doing!?” 

“Oh hello, Dipper and Mabel,” Ford said easily. “Don't worry, we're just messing around.” 

“But Stan's face is turning blue!” 

“Wha –”

Ford loosened his hold and Stan shot out of his grip, kicking out at the back of Ford's knees. Ford went down with a grunt but rolled to his feet, glaring. 

“That was pathetic!” Stan panted. “If I wanted a neck message I'd ask for one!” 

“Maybe you should try asking for boxing lessons. You hit like a vegetarian!” 

“Tell that to Bill!” 

“He was defeated by a _memory gun_ , in case you forgot that part too!” 

“I remember you write like cheesy computer font!” 

“Well _you_ write like Comic Sans!” 

“TAKE THAT BACK YOU SHERLOCK WANNABE!” 

“OOOOOH!” Mabel called. 

“I don't have time for this,” Ford scoffed, and he turned to walk away. 

“Hey Ford,” Stan called. “ _Tesla was overrated._ ” 

Ford stopped short. 

Wendy let out a low whistle. “Oooh, it just got real!” 

“Soos!” Mabel said. 

“Got it. Popcorn. BRB!” 

Ford narrowed his eyes at his twin. “Whatever you say – _baby brother._ ” 

Stan scowled. “We're twins, you stupid genius.” 

“If we're twins, explain how _one_ of us got all the brains and the other got all the brawn.” 

“It's called PUNCHING!”

“It's called RECKLESS AND IRRESPONSIBLE BEHAVIOR!” 

“Ma never liked you!” 

“Well _Dad_ never liked _you!_ ” 

The younger twins gulped. Mabel stepped forward. 

“Uh, guys, maybe we should –”

Stan took a flying leap at Ford, who grabbed Stan's arm and slung him around using his own momentum. Stan crashed into the trashcans and nearly whacked Mabel on the head with his foot. Dipper grabbed her and pulled her out of the way. 

She stepped back hurriedly. “Yeahokaynevermind.” 

Soos emerged with popcorn. “What did I miss?” 

Stan ran right at Ford, who tried to dodge but Stan already shot out an arm and clotheslined him. He lost his balance and the two of them hit the ground hard, still yelling insults at the top of their lungs. 

“Just let them fight it out, dudes,” Wendy said, waving a hand. She'd taken out her cell phone and started recording. “This is how me 'n' my brothers work out disagreements all the time, and I am going to make some _major_ cash on Pay-Per-View. Soos, pass the popcorn.” 

Dipper immediately got out his phone and copied Wendy. 

Stan jumped to his feet and shoved his brother away, scowling at them. “I get five hundred percent royalties on that and only if you place bets against any chronically emotionally constipated nerdbots!” 

Ford shoved back. “You can't even SPELL half those words!” 

“I know how to spell YOUR FACE!” 

Stan slugged at Ford but he dodged, rolled away and aimed a kick at Stan, who dodged it but tripped on a chipmunk and nearly fell over

“Bets on Ford!” Dipper called. 

“Can I bet on the chipmunk?” Mabel asked. 

Stan and Ford rolled past, locked together, yelling and trying to punch every part of each other they could reach. The audience cheered. 

“FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!” 

Ford managed to extricate himself and drew up to his full hight. “This is ridiculous! I refuse to engage in such obviously childish behavior from someone who has CLEARLY never grown up!” 

“Edison was better!” 

“HAVE AT THEE!” 

Ford pulled out a death raygun and Stan yanked a bat from behind a trash can. 

Soos started looking nervous. “Uh, doods?” 

Mabel jumped up and down. “GO FOR HIS OLD-MAN GUT!” 

“This is going on my blog!” Wendy said. 

Stan pointed at her. “Wendy I will pay you extra if you cheer for me.” 

“WOOHOO! GO STAN!” 

Stan ducked under Ford's guard and tried to smack his old man gut, but Ford knocked his bat away. Stan retaliated by grabbing the nerd gun and throwing it at the chipmunk, who had stayed to steal popcorn from Soos' bowl. 

“DIBS!” Wendy called, snatching it up. 

Ford spun away and came back aiming for Stan's right side. He dodged and then body-flopped right on Ford's back. Ford went down with a muffled _oomf!_ and landed with a mouthful of grass. The momentum carried Stan off and rolled to a stop a few feet away, lying on his back, breathing heavily with one hand on his chest. Ford started to get up but paused, gasping, hands braced against his knees. 

“What were we...even fighting about...?” Stan gasped. 

“We were – you – couldn't remember Dipper's real –”

“Ah, shut up,” Stan said. He waved a limp fist in the air and it flopped back to the grass with a thud. 

Dipper scratched his head. “Well, that was anticlimactic.” 

“Oh, right, they're old,” Mabel said, poking Stan's leg with her toe. “So who won the bet?” 

“I did,” Ford and Stan said instantly. 

Mabel leaped back. “ROUND TWO! Someone get them some painkiller STAT!” 

Wendy stowed her phone. “Actually my battery died and I'm off the clock and all paid up so bye.” She trotted off. 

“Hey!” 

Stan snorted. “I got a better idea.” And faster than she could blink, his arm snaked out and he pulled Mabel to the ground – and then promptly sat on her. 

“HEY!” 

Dipper laughed. “Fart! Fart! Fart!” 

“Flatulence, eh?” Ford's arm snaked out just as fast, and in .23 seconds Dipper was flat on the ground and squished under Great-Uncle Ford. 

Stan laughed. “Ha! I _love_ karma!” 

Dipper wheezed. “Only when it...applies to others...” 

“Obviously!” 

Stan and Ford fist bumped and farted on the kids. In sync. More than once. 

“Auuuuggghhhaahhhh!” Mabel groaned. “Grunkle Stan, what's Mrs. Ramirez been feeding you?!” 

“Uh, Dipper?” Soos picked up Dipper's phone, which had been pointing at the fight the entire time – including the part where Dipper had been mercilessly squished and farted upon. “Your camera's still rolling, dude. Also there's this little thing in the corner that says 'Live'...?” 

“Noooooo!” 

Mabel giggle-gasped. “Dipper you're – waving your noodle limbs – so funny –”

She passed out from the grunkle fumes. 

 

She and Dipper woke up on the sofa about twenty minutes later. Mabel, however, woke up two minutes earlier than her noodle-limbed twin, and decided to make good use of a golden opportunity. She went in search of Stan and pick-pocketed him for Dipper's phone. Once she'd unlocked it (password was WendyPines), she uploaded the fight – farts included – onto nine separate social media websites, along with a sound track of a chipmunk eating popcorn. 

When Dipper awoke, his screams of abject humiliation attracted every baby coyote in a ten-mile radius. Ford, of course, found this fascinating.

**Author's Note:**

> You're welcome >,<


End file.
